Emotional Baseline 3 (Seed 13)

Unconditional Giving that the Child Appreciates

• No expectations with no strings attached

• Plan for maximum two weeks (or simply mention it that often)

• Involve your child. Let him in on the plan. Point it out, direct his attention towards it — so he may come to appreciate it

• Doesn’t have to be a toy or object: The goal is to make your child feel loved, appreciated, accepted and understood

Unconditional giving: You should occasionally (once every ten days to two weeks) give the child something other than meeting his basic needs just because you love him. If you are expecting a “thank you” then it’s not unconditional.

This should only be done every two weeks or so because too much unconditional giving can backfire. For example, if you make a child’s bed one morning because you see he is running late — that is an unconditional chessed. However, if you continue to do this for next two weeks he will come to expect it. When we give him something unconditionally we have to point it out to him because he will not necessarily notice.

The giving does not have to be a present. It can be a favor — cleaning up his Lego’s one day because you see he’s tired, ironing a special outfit that your daughter forgot to prepare the night before, going against your nature to do something you really think the child would appreciate. When we supply their basic needs (washing their clothes, feeding them, etc.) we can NEVER expect appreciation!!

Can you imagine how you would feel if once every two weeks someone did something that you really appreciate just because they care about you? This small action makes a child feel loved and appreciated. Teenagers really appreciate this because they are used to being on their own and taking care of everybody else.

In general, don’t expect too much appreciation from your kids.

It is possible to give too much. A mom who gives-in all the time doesn’t love her kids; she loves herself. She’s doing her children a disservice because she doesn’t want to feel guilty, she can’t bear to hear them scream or she doesn’t want to be the bad guy. You have to be confident that you are doing the best thing for your kids by setting appropriate limitations.