{"id":95,"date":"2008-09-25T05:21:56","date_gmt":"2008-09-25T05:21:56","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/jobshuk.com\/falstaff88\/2008\/09\/25\/a-kind-of-moving-on\/"},"modified":"2008-09-25T05:21:56","modified_gmt":"2008-09-25T05:21:56","slug":"a-kind-of-moving-on","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/jobshuk.com\/falstaff88\/2008\/09\/25\/a-kind-of-moving-on\/","title":{"rendered":"A Kind of Moving on"},"content":{"rendered":"

It’s always a welcome bonus to receive a testimonial from a very satisfied customer. Some people are always quick-on-the-draw to criticise, so words of praise are to be cherished. <\/font><\/p>\n

A few days ago I received this e-mail which is printed in full, below. Totally out of the blue and written with all the skills of a literary expert. It’s well worth reading. Certainly, it made me feel very humble, but happy in so many different ways.<\/font><\/p>\n

A Kind of Moving On<\/strong><\/font><\/p>\n

I stand tall and take a deep breath. The lilting sound track accompaniment begins to play but I am not yet centered and miss the first beat. Lloyd says: "Start again" … but this time with more support." I hold my hands under my diaphragm as he has taught me, expelling the air and singing with feeling:<\/font><\/p>\n

"There’s been a change in me … a kind of moving on …"<\/font><\/strong><\/p>\n

It’s a lovely melody from Beauty and the Beast and the beautiful words seem to have been written just for me.<\/font><\/p>\n

Way on the other side of the room Svengali waves his arms, directs me to hold a note … open my lips … lift my soft palate … let the words flow. He reminds me to direct the sound to the front of my mouth and while I’m doing all this … to breathe.<\/font><\/p>\n

I want to giggle at the scene we create – me, an overweight diva with an audience of one elderly, but enthusiastic man – singing out my heart and soul on a summer afternoon in an apartment in Kfar Saba.<\/font><\/p>\n

What the heck am I doing here?<\/font><\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

It started when I turned 60 and I was panicked by a sense of time passing and the need to take charge of actualizing my remaining good years as best as possible. How many would I have left? What did I want to do with them? What would make me happy?<\/em><\/font><\/p>\n

Though I liked my job, it wasn’t enough. I visualized myself dying and my boss reading her eulogy, saying something complimentary about my contribution to the work of the organization. It painted a reassuring picture, nice, but was it enough? With a finite number of good years in front of me and a sense of growing fragility, I asked myself what I wanted to do. Big question – What do I want?<\/em><\/font><\/p>\n

I want to sing<\/font>. I’ve always wanted to sing but stopped when my daughter’s mouth grew big enough to ask me to shut mine because I was giving her a headache. I’d have loved to have singing lessons but never thought I was good enough. Never thought I deserved to be trained to sing! Now, I didn’t care, I would learn to sing. Whatever my voice, I could learn to sing better.<\/font><\/p>\n

Other people take up bridge. I would take up singing.<\/font><\/em><\/p>\n

I put an advert on the Raanana mailing list and it didn’t take long before a friendly note came from Lloyd, inviting me to make contact. Hardly breathing, I made the call and found myself a few days later, hugging the loo at a shop across the road from the apartment, with a nervous stomach before my lesson.<\/font><\/p>\n

I wish I could have recorded the first time I opened my mouth for Lloyd. The temerity of my voice … the lack of confidence … the stomach squelches which broadcast to all that I was not well inside.<\/font><\/p>\n

Lloyd said we would start with b’reshit – meaning the basics, but I was so nervous and so literal – I thought he meant we’d start with something in Hebrew from the Tanach, so when we began singing ‘Caro mio Ben’  I was a little confused – it sounded like an Italian love song.<\/font><\/p>\n

I sang the first note in my growing older voice. Then Lloyd demonstrated how it was to be done and I was entranced by the powerful sound he made which caused the whole building to vibrate.<\/font><\/p>\n

I would have continued to come, week after week, simply for the pleasure of hearing him sing.<\/font><\/em><\/p>\n

For the first six months I was filled with anxiety. I could only cope with lessons on afternoons when I didn’t work … so that I could practice beforehand and be free of outside tension. And  could keep close to the lavatory.<\/font><\/p>\n

I bought a recorder and taped myself singing; bad mistake. I sounded like my worst nightmare. I was embarrassed to practice at home lest my neighbors would hear – so I switched on the air-conditioning and closed the windows. Mostly I sang with my head buried in my clothes cupboard. I also sang on my daily walk through the park, when no one was around. There isn’t a soul who ever practiced harder than I did. What made me persevere through all this agony? <\/font>I don’t know, but the image I had of myself in my weekly singing lessons kept a mischievous smile on my face and I kept going back to Lloyd for more.<\/font><\/p>\n

Learning new skills is never easy, but long ago I discovered there is a learning curve and if one perseveres, one can count on finding light at the end of the tunnel. When I started singing lessons I knew nothing and was in a state of blissful ignorance. Then I grew increasingly aware of my lack of skill and this made me confused and even despondent.<\/font><\/p>\n

At times, it seemed impossible for me to coordinate the many elements that Lloyd was asking me to pull together – talk about multi-tasking! I was aware that I was reaching the age when singers begin to retire and wondered whether I’d left it too late. With the passing months, I became more self-conscious – demoralized by the awful sound I seemed to produce no matter how much I practiced.<\/font><\/p>\n

I read books – ‘Singing for Dummies’ was written for people like me and taught myself elementary music theory. Lloyd kept counting out the beats to the bar and I kept protesting I could never do math. The harder I tried, the more forced my voice sounded. My voice couldn’t make up its mind what it was – an alto, or a mezzo … a deep contralto or a breathless sound full of light and air. One day I was Barbara Streisand and the next Ella Fitzgerald and I wondered why I didn’t just opt for bridge like everyone else.<\/font><\/p>\n

Then, one day Lloyd gave me a book of Broadway hits. "Maybe we should leave the Italian for a while," he suggested. "Let’s see how this suits you."<\/font><\/p>\n

It suited me all right. Suddenly, I had an outlet – songs I could enjoy with no pretentions of becoming a classical singer. The book was a cornucopia of fun – filled with the old songs I heard in my youth, the wonderful songs one heard a few times and stuck in one’s head – and the treasury of music created to entertain us by Irving Berlin, George Gershwin, Steven Sondheim and lately by Andrew Lloyd Webber. It was a mine of melodies I could sing and enjoy and which apparently suited my voice. Today, I have a repertoire of more songs than I can sing through a happy afternoon.<\/font><\/p>\n

One thing I have learned in life is that you never know which will be the therapeutic moment that heals you. It could be your hour with a therapist. It could be a passing encounter with a kind someone who makes you feel truly special. For me, it has been discovery that I can sing and the musical interludes I have spent with Lloyd. Recently, he reminded me of my ambition to join a choir and encouraged me to take on my next challenge.<\/font><\/p>\n

I love the song I am singing … there has indeed been a change in me … a kind of moving on. The story, Beauty and the Beast, is an allegory about transformation and change – of putting away the notions and indentities that once were appropriate, but now are no longer so.<\/font><\/p>\n

By the time we reach 60 we’ve all been bruised and shaken up by life … we’ve experienced disappointment … illness … loss … there are so many challenges we have had to confront. For me, happiness comes from meeting life head-on, trying to understand my dreams and choosing to do the things that will bring me joy. It is a process of continually creating and recreating oneself; of taking an active hand in writing the story of my own life.<\/font><\/p>\n

Standing in front of Lloyd, I sing:<\/font><\/p>\n

"For in my dark despair<\/em><\/font><\/p>\n

I slowly understood<\/font><\/em><\/p>\n

My perfect world out there<\/font><\/em><\/p>\n

Had disappeared for good<\/font><\/em><\/p>\n

But in its place I feel<\/font><\/em><\/p>\n

A truer life begin<\/font><\/em><\/p>\n

And it’s so good and real<\/font><\/em><\/p>\n

It must come from within<\/font><\/em><\/p>\n

And I — I never thought I’d leave behind<\/font><\/em><\/p>\n

My childhood dreams but I don’<\/font><\/em>t mind<\/font><\/em><\/p>\n

I’m where and who I want to be<\/font><\/em><\/p>\n

No change of heart<\/font><\/em><\/p>\n

A change in me."<\/font><\/em><\/p>\n

<\/em><\/font><\/p>\n

<\/em><\/font><\/p>\n\n\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

It’s always a welcome bonus to receive a testimonial from a very satisfied customer. Some people are always quick-on-the-draw to criticise, so words of praise are to be cherished. A few days ago I received this e-mail which is printed in full, below. Totally out of the blue and written with all the skills of a literary expert. It’s well worth reading. … <\/p>\n

Continue reading “A Kind of Moving on”<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n\n\n","protected":false},"author":149,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[124,15,125],"class_list":["post-95","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-achievement","tag-challenge","tag-change","entry"],"yoast_head":"\nA Kind of Moving on - falstaff88's blog by Lloyd Masel<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/jobshuk.com\/falstaff88\/2008\/09\/25\/a-kind-of-moving-on\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"A Kind of Moving on - falstaff88's blog by Lloyd Masel\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"It’s always a welcome bonus to receive a testimonial from a very satisfied customer. 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