A Businessman Invites His 25,000 BEST Social Media Friends to His Retirement Party!

A Businessman Invites His 25,000 BEST Social Media "Friends"…

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to His Retirement Party!

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Earl Q. Wadsworth was always one of those Social Media braggarts. The kind that impresses some with his outrageous number of followers…and makes others like me grin with doubt.

"I’ve got so many people following me!" he would go on and on…and on. "What do you mean by following you?" I would ask old Earl as we got together to shoot some pool and drink a pint or two of Guinness at the local watering hole every first Sunday of the month after the Chamber of Commerce meeting.

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"Are those 25,000 people really your followers" I would ask, waiting for the frothy head of my pint of Ireland’s finest to dissipate.

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"Of course they’re my followers!" he would reply, somewhat taken aback at my line of questioning. "Friends on Facebook. Connections on LinkedIn. Twitter followers galore! Who do you think they are Yoni?" he asked me with a look of doubt?

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"Well Earl…If my Social Media percentages are any indication, I’d say that 95% of your Twitter followers are pornographers and SPAMmers. 80% of your Facebook "friends" are people you never spoke with in high school. And yes, another 90% of your followers…the LinkedIn crowd…don’t even know enough about you to know what type of business you run!"

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"So Earl" I continued… "Why are you so caught up about your Social Media numbers again?"

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"Well," he began, "My retirement party is coming up in a few weeks and I decided to make it something unique…I’m only inviting my Social Media friends. Yup, all of those online friends who have made me what I am! How ’bout helping me out with the guest-list Yoni!"

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And so…while Earl took care of the logistical tasks…renting a hall for thousands of his Social Media "buddies," the champagne, hors d’oeuvres and DJ, I got cracking on the guest list…

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As a man of my word, I got workin’ on that HUGE list of Earl’s. I started sending out emails to his Facebook followers. Special RSVP tweets to his Twitter groupies. And over the span of two weeks, I placed over 10,000 phone calls to the followers of this modern-day guru who had mesmerized tens-of-thousands of people into following his each and ever online move. 

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And here is just a small sampling of the responses I got:

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-On a phone call: "Earl who?" replied the confused female voice. "But Miss, you’ve been following him for two years on Twitter!" A pause…"I’m sorry, I don’t know any Earl Wadsworth, and please don’t call back!"

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-Via FaceBook: "Earl Wadsworth? Hah! I used to stick his head in the toilet and flush all throughout elementary school!" My reply: "So why did you friend him on Facebook and LinkedIn?" The response: "I was just trying to get my online list bigger!"

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-Via email: "Earl Wadsworth? I’m a freaking SPAMmer. I’m ‘muscle-head 440’ on Twitter. I peddle steroids on the Internet, you expect me to remember ever Tom, Dick and Harry on my junk-mail list?"

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Exasperated, I gave up! I’ll just let things slide, I thought to myself. I’ve sent the invitation and directions to all of Earl’s Social Media mates. Plenty of people will come.

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I arrived at the party late that evening. I heard the DJ from outside of the club. I walked in to find space for thousands. Empty tables as far as the eyes could see, and on each one, unopened bottles of champagne.

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I made my way to the one full table. Earl’s mom Gladys was there as were his wife, uncle, mailman and a few co-workers from the office. Aside from that, there were three other people, all unknown to me.

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I went up to one of them, my hand outstretched. "Hi, I’m Yoni" I said. "I’m Frankie" he replied. "I believe we spoke via email" he continued. "I’m the steroid SPAMmer. Hell, I don’t know Earl from the Pope but I heard there was free alcohol." I dismissed myself: "The pleasure is mine Franky, now I’d like to introduce myself to that young lady over there…"

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"Evening ma’am, the name’s Yoni. So what type of business are you in?"

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"Hi Yoni. I’m ‘Bunny69’ from Twitter. You lookin’ for a good time tonight Sugar?"

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Got 25,000 Social Media followers?

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50,000? 200,000?

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Impressive numbers, but…

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How many are really your "FRIENDS?"

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Image Credits: Champagne: www.parties-galore.com; Social Media Icons: www.online-today.com _____________________

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Yonatan Maisel is a business blogger, professional writer and author.