How Social Media Addiction Saved Wallace Q. Cadbury III’s Life Not Once, But Twice Yesterday

 

How Social Media Addiction

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Saved Wallace Q. Cadbury III’s Life

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Not Once, But Twice Yesterday

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Wallace Q. Cadbury is literally a man who was supposed to die twice yesterday…

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The first time was when he was attempting to cross the main intersection on foot in his hometown of Springfield, Illinois. Little could Wallace have known that Earl Cummings, the town drunk…

 

…was, only a block away, barreling down the road at 73 mph with a blood alcohol level almost twice the legal limit stated at RehabNet, after chugging half a bottle of Wild Turkey.

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But wait! Thought Wallace to himself. Yes, his "Crack-Berry" was broken, his dog having dropped it in the toilet last Sunday, but with an Internet cafe mere feet away, the tension was killing him! Those crazy new pics of himself on Facebook attempting the Guinness world-record for most Q-tips in a single ear; had anybody commented yet?

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And with that, instead of stepping into the path of the oncoming ’78 Ford pick-up being driven by an intoxicated maniac, Wallace was spared a gruesome death! But shit, he found out a moment later as the perky barista with the strawberry-blonde locks arrived at his table with his triple espresso…no comments.

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It was thirty minutes later that Wallace emerged from the Internet cafe. Little did our poor protagonist know that Springfield’s newest patrol officer, Casey Blackburn…

 

…one of the officers called to investigate the circumstances of Earl Cummings’ recent marriage with a telephone pole, had just gotten a report over the radio of a liquor store holdup on the other side of Springfield.

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Officer Blackburn, wired from his third Red Bull of the day, in addition to a good nicotine-buzz from six Marlboros in the past 15 minutes, jumped into his patrol car and was off, wheels smoking the pavement…just as Wallace Cadbury was again crossing the intersection. Mp3 headphones in his ears, Wallace had no chance of hearing the squad car, its racing motor, siren blaring, and its speedometer already registering 84 mph. It seemed all hope was lost; our Social Media addict had a date with death…

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But wait! Thought Wallace. My latest business-blog post. Just one more Tweet! His adrenaline began to pump at the prospect of another declaration sent into cyberspace! And with that, feet already in the road, Wallace Q. Cadbury turned back, headed back to the cafe, and was spared becoming a police car’s hood ornament!

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Challenging fate, he would live to Tweet another day!

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Parting Thoughts:

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Folks, the so-called experts will tell you that Social Media addiction is a BAD thing. It’s right up there with heroin. Don’t believe the hype!

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It’s the world outside that’s the danger. People die every day on the roads. Lightning kills golfers. Falling trees kill joggers. And man-eating sharks murder snorkelers.

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Yet, with all of the research on Social Media, all of those pundits who say it’s turning us into mindless, bloodshot-eyed zombies, it’s still a lot safer than leaving your home.

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So turn down that invitation to party with your co-workers at the local pub after work. Tell your fishing buddy who invites you to the opening day of trout season, "No! I will not go!" And for Pete’s sake, if you already jog, STOP NOW!

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Stay home. Boot your computer and log on. Get addicted! And be safe!

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Yonatan Maisel is a professional writer, business blogger and literary writer.