Emotional Baseline 3 (Seed 13)

Unconditional Giving that the Child Appreciates

  • No expectations with no strings attached

  • Plan for maximum two weeks (or simply mention it that often)

  • Involve your child. Let him in on the plan. Point it out, direct his attention towards it — so he may come to appreciate it

  • Doesn’t have to be a toy or object: The goal is to make your child feel loved, appreciated, accepted and understood

Unconditional giving: You should occasionally (once every ten days to two weeks) give the child something other than meeting his basic needs just because you love him. If you are expecting a “thank you” then it’s not unconditional.

This should only be done every two weeks or so because too much unconditional giving can backfire. For example, if you make a child’s bed one morning because you see he is running late — that is an unconditional chessed. However, if you continue to do this for next two weeks he will come to expect it. When we give him something unconditionally we have to point it out to him because he will not necessarily notice.

The giving does not have to be a present. It can be a favor — cleaning up his Lego’s one day because you see he’s tired, ironing a special outfit that your daughter forgot to prepare the night before, going against your nature to do something you really think the child would appreciate. When we supply their basic needs (washing their clothes, feeding them, etc.) we can NEVER expect appreciation!!

Can you imagine how you would feel if once every two weeks someone did something that you really appreciate just because they care about you? This small action makes a child feel loved and appreciated. Teenagers really appreciate this because they are used to being on their own and taking care of everybody else.

In general, don’t expect too much appreciation from your kids.

It is possible to give too much. A mom who gives-in all the time doesn’t love her kids; she loves herself. She’s doing her children a disservice because she doesn’t want to feel guilty, she can’t bear to hear them scream or she doesn’t want to be the bad guy. You have to be confident that you are doing the best thing for your kids by setting appropriate limitations.


Through a Child’s Eyes

Parenthood

Through a Child’s Eyes

By: Petrea Hansen-Adamidis

One thing that I find grounds me in the present moment when I am having a rough day or week, is to think of what a child would do. Sometimes this brings hilarious images to mind, like the time one of my sons fell asleep with a cookie in his hand while on a car trip and woke up suddenly alert, took a bite and went back to sleep instantly! Grasping that cookie tightly in his little hand. Now that is living in the present moment!

They only seem to get stuck in the past when they are encouraged to. When we remind them about what has happened or what went wrong. When we insist that they remember not to do what they did the last time, that didn’t work out.

When I think about how children handle themselves, (without our interference that is) they pretty much will move on to the next moment if given the chance (i.e. parents aren’t nagging them). They only seem to get stuck in the past when they are “encouraged” to. When we remind them about what has happened or what went wrong. When we insist that they remember not to do what they did the last time, that didn’t work out. When we give week long consequences for something that happened within the time span of a minute, so that they don’t forget (I have not done this personally, though when caught up in the heat of the moment the thought has crossed my mind).

Please enjoy the photo montage below. I hope that it inspires you to take the perspective of a child now and again, if not for your child’s sake, for yours. There is so much we can learn from the world when we do.

http://www.offbeatfamily.com/parenting/through-a-childs-eyes/#.TkdvgQgqmos.email

Comparing Children: An Impediment to Growth

To What discount do we brand and label our children?

Parenthood

Comparing Children: An Impediment to Growth

by: Shoshana Hayman

Comparing seems to be part of human nature. We compare ourselves to others; we compare our children to each other and to other children; we compare our spouses to others; and on and on. Comparing the heart rate or blood … more →

Emotional Baseline 2 (Seed 12)

Creative Moments

  • Spend ten minutes a day of individual time with each child. Whether it be spontaneous or fixed, make sure the time is mutually enjoyable and made top-priority

  • Ten minutes is code for any chosen moment; a chunk of time

  • Individual time with your children should reveal both to you and your children that they are important to you

  • Be their pillar and provide emotional security; a pillar of strength

  • Siblings can be present but focus on one child at a time

Ten minutes of mutually enjoyable, top priority individual time: By giving a child individual time you are telling him that he is important as an individual. He is more important than the ringing phone, the laundry, the messy floor or the crying baby. This time together builds a connection and trust. When, later in life, the child is having trouble, he will turn to a person who made him feel important. Hopefully, that person will be his parents. Everyone needs to feel important to someone. By denying a child individual time, we force the child to seek it elsewhere.

What do you have to do with the child? Anything mutually enjoyable. You can play a game together, go for a walk, just sit and talk. If it’s mutually enjoyable, you can even do homework together. For an older child, even talking together while you wash the dishes counts. The key here is focus. Let the phone ring. Let the other children whine.

Why ten minutes? It is around the smallest chunk of time that actually feels like a chunk of time. Less than that feels like a fleeting moment.


Emotional Baseline 1 (Seed 11)

A Recipe for Daily Touch

Physical touch that’s mutually enjoyable: A child who is not getting enough physical touch in appropriate ways will make sure he gets it in less acceptable ways (hitting, bumping into people, etc.). Physical touch provides an emotional need. This physical touch has to be mutually enjoyable. Don’t force kisses and hugs on a child who doesn’t like them. Find other ways to touch him: pat his back, stroke his finger when you pass him. Since touch becomes less comfortable when a child gets older, people do it less. A parent who does not give a child physical touch is putting the child at risk. He may not react properly if someone touches him inappropriately and/or will seek touch from potential dangerous sources.

A young child should be touched 4-6 times an hour which is really very easy to accomplish between holding, wiping, changing, playing, etc. Sensory children are in need of more. Children who are physically needy may be touched 10-12 times an hour. A child who needs to be touched 20 times an hour is sending a message that you are ignoring some other emotional needs. 20 is too much.

A mom who doesn’t like to be touched should initiate touch with her child rather than wait for the child to touch her in ways she may not like.


Praise Worthy (Seed 10)

If we constantly and consistently reinforce positive behavior, the child will constantly be motivated to do good (when I do good, I feel good).

In order to improve in this area, we need to work harder to notice good behavior. We naturally tend to notice the bad. How would you like to live in a house where everything you did wrong was pointed out to you and everything you did right was taken for granted? We have to try to notice everything that our children do that is good. Praise them for sitting on the couch and not jumping on it. Anything you would point out if they did wrong, you have to praise if they do it right. If you would remind your child to do something, then you have to thank him for doing it without a reminder. A child shouldn’t have to go overboard to be noticed. A normal day should be praised.

What if a child complains while doing something? Complaining is not bad. Not everybody likes the same things. Be happy that your child did what he was supposed to do anyway, even though he didn’t like it.


 

Safety First (Seed 9)

If we supply our child’s emotional and physical needs before he becomes desperate, then we will be able to raise healthy kids. A happy, content child is not looking for trouble. The more we supply, the safer he is. It’s much harder to fix this problem than to prevent it. Most of the schools that work with troubled kids focus on supplying the child’s emotional and physical needs so he can feel good enough about himself to not fight the world.

The minute you supply a child’s emotional and physical needs you increase your chance of success with that child by 85% because he will not need to look elsewhere (street, internet, drugs) to have his needs met.


Children are Really Something (Seed 8)

A child will go to extremes to get his physical needs met. For emotional needs he will go even farther (we see this with anorexia, bulimia, etc.). Emotional needs are even stronger than physical survival needs. Children will do dangerous things to get people to notice them. Nobody wants to be just “average.” An average boy will choose to become the class clown because at least he is then a somebody. He would rather be a clown than a nothing. This is very subconscious. Children will go to extremes even if it’s not comfortable. Better to be uncomfortable than to be a nothing. A person has to be a something.

Think of how things bother us when we’re tired, hungry or nervous. Children are the same way, but they lack the ability to recognize it and deal with it appropriately.


Feel Good, Do Good (Seed 7)

  • A child who has all of his physical and emotional needs met on a daily basis will be happier and safer. Parents can avoid problems with this theory by 85% (children won’t need to look elsewhere to have their needs met)

  • Out of goodness a child is supplied with her appropriate emotional and physical needs

  • By reinforcing the positive a child will constantly be motivated to do good

  • The harder we work at it, the more acute the good behavior


We Are What We Say

Family

WE ARE WHAT WE SAY

by: Yosef Farhi
Moshe Rabbeinu made a rare display of anger when he was approached by the tribes who wished to settle on the east side of the Jordan River – Gad, Reuven and half of Menashe. He shot back with the rhetorical question: … more